mOM Shame or mOMmy Bullying
We all have heard about the mOM shame, most of us have even experienced it at some point. It’s pure judgement, it sucks and it’s mean.
It comes in different forms and sometimes disguise as an understanding friend.
You know the one that says:
I get it that you are overwhelmed and tired, but do you really need to give him the IPad/Tablet every time he eats to keep him focus? don’t you think he should be engaging in eating primarily and not becoming addicted to the youtube videos? it’s unhealthy. I am just telling you because I love you and I care.
Then they seek validation from you and who ever is around, with: You know I’m right it’s okay, I know it’s hard, we know it’s hard right Claire? Claire confused AF opts in, yes we love you we say it with love, also we don’t think you should breastfeed standing while trying to do other things, we don’t want you to get hurt if you trip. Hello mOM Squad!
Do you know what this sleep deprived mOM of a newborn and a toddler feels now? Judge, Guilt , Shame and feeling not enough.
Not only am I doing this as a single mOM (which they know) but I am also experiencing Depression and Anxiety.
Now every time you are at a social gathering, guess what? You are the topic of conversation, yup! Your single mOM life, your big work schedule and all your lacks. They all “try to help" by giving you unwelcome advice, and it happens every time they carry the desire to feel better from your misery. Now those are bullies! So what do you do? You isolate your self from that toxic environment. Yeah! That’s not helpful, but we gotta survive!
Total strangers shaming you, oh! you shouldn't do that, he will act up later and you will regret it! with a Smile they say I’ve been there trust me… You’re welcome!
HUH? What just happened? Was I asking your opinion? Am I not good enough to make choices for my children?
Now we are both in the same space, waiting for a table at Red Lobster and my toddler continues to cry for the lollypop, me praying he doesn't wake up the baby. So what do I do… I give my child the lollypop as the stranger judges me with her look and vibe.
Single mOM alert here LADY! I was just trying to have a nice Family of 3 Friday night dinner without having to cook, after an 8hr work day and knowing that Saturday at 8am we all have to catch a plane to fly out of state, so this mOM can work all weekend and feel shitty of leaving her children with the sitter, oh! don’t get me wrong after 14hr work day Saturday I will get them back, just to not sleep again, and Sunday 10hrs of work rush out and catch the 10pm flight back home.
Do you see, how much you don't see?
This happens not only when you have little little ones, this happens at all stages of mOMmyhood. I often see mOms of adults judge by their children actions, see.. it’s your fault he is an addict, you overprotected him and now he is acting out all that protection. This mOM just gave love to her child, he grew up in a loving united Family. Unfortunately he made some life choices that have deteriorate his well being. But his Mother also gets the judgement, shame and guilt.
This happens more often than we imagine, and somehow we continue to not be impeccable with our words.
I recently was mOM shamed by a “friend” for not pushing my 16yr old to get his drivers license, his time is passing and he is missing out, it’s part of his development and crucial that he drives by 16, it’s what we do. You need to get better at this Teenage mOM business Di! I know it’s new to you, but… it’s important.
For which I replied, No shit! Thank you! She seemed pleased with my answer I don’t think she caught my sarcasm.
Didn’t make feel great let me tell you that, I had all the feels already. Thankfully I’ve done self work and have a tools box of support to assist me in this moment, otherwise I would have negatively spiral. Her comment does not define my mOMmyhood, I know I am a good mOM and I love my children more than anything, they grow at their own pace, no rush.
Please! I encourage you, don't speak just to speak. Pause and respond or share with love and compassion, you never ever know what’s truly going on underneath that mOM’s smile.
Be helpful, supportive and kind!
Your words make an impact, make it a positive one!
I SEE YOU I FEEL YOU I AM WITH YOU!